i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
