he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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