Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
