Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
