What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The uberlube is also flammable
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
