Your tits are I can't wait for
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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