my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
