Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
