Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
