Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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