I will die if light touches me.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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