He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
