My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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