You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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