You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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