I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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