I hate all girls vehemently.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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