I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Randomize
