yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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