my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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