i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize