Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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