I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I deserve this hangover.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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