Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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