had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize