just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
