I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
