I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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