I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
