Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
