I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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