My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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