I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
