dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
