The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
