Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
People in love make me want to vomit
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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