Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
