Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
