so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
