everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
