Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
