I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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