you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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