And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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