You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
