Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
