guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
