Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
