i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
