Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
