Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
