uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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