i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize