McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize