i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
