Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
