Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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